As a hormonal teenager I was an avid journal writer. One of my favorite past times was doodling my crush-of-the-week's name all over the inside of the journal and practicing writing my name "Melissa So-And-So-Of-The-Week." As I grew up I used to joke about how the man I married better have a last name at the beginning of the alphabet so if I ever ran for political office I would be at the top of the ballot.
So now I'm married. And I love Dan's last name and family. Furthermore, his last name goes really well with "Melissa" and even has a beginning letter at the start of the alphabet.
The things is, I don't really want to change my last name anymore.
Everyone keeps asking me "What are you doing? What are you doing?" For a long time I was like "I'm hyphenating it" ...but now I'm not so sure and it has been causing me a great deal of anxiety. While writing the return address to our thank you cards I instinctively wrote my last name in the left hand corner of the envelope, and then got really sad when I realized that might not be my last name anymore.
I have been giving this whole last name business a lot of thought and below is my take on the last name issue. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Taking Your Husband's Last Name
There is part of me (albeit very, very small) that is like "Melissa, don't be such a radical. Your mother did it. Every women before you has done it. Nobody has lost their identity. It makes life a hell of a lot easier. Suck it up and take your husband's last name."
Then there is a bigger part of me that thinks there is something that is just so archaic about being forced to take the man's last name it makes me vomit in my mouth a little. I know that for some girls its a really fun change, but for me it has never been an option. I'll try not to get all crazy feminist, but WHY? I understand that many say it is "unifying a family," but if it is so important then why is the woman's last name never taken by the husband? I know, I know "its how things have always been done" but has anybody ever stopped to wonder WHY it is done that way? And maybe even challenge conventional thinking and do what makes SENSE? Wouldn't it be MORE unifying to take each other's last name like Johnson-Smith or something?
Hyphenating Your Last Name
I really like this concept, except for the fact that its just a major pain in the ass. My last name will be so f-ing long if I pick this option I will be cursed by any person ever having to write a formal letter where they must include my last name. I'll probably curse is myself every time I write a check. Plus, I secretly fear it might turn people off a little bit. I know I shouldn't care, but every time I see a women with a hyphenated last name I think "Good for you! What a feminist!" But what if someone, like a potential client, has a different reaction? I mean I might not want to be FRIENDS with that person but I don't necessarily feel comfortable with the concept of being judged in a professional atmosphere merely by hyphenating my last name.
Keeping My Last Name
I really like my last name. I like how my initials are "MW" and they are a flip of each other. I feel comfortable with my last name. Yet at the same time I kind of feel bad for keeping my last name. I am lucky to have an awesome husband who wouldn't care either way, but I think he'd like me to at least DASH it. This way those in the community would know we were married. So that people didn't have to write out super long addresses to us. So that we were unified as a MARRIED COUPLE (the "so-and-sos") instead of people always thinking were merely dating.
So for now, I've decided I am keeping my last name. No need to rush a very permanent decision. Furthermore, I'm not super sensitive to it. If people want to call me by my husband's last name I wont mind. Or refer to us as "the so-and-sos." But professionally, I am keeping my current last name until I decide for sure what I want to do.
Any thoughts on the subject? Did you/would you keep your last name? Why or why not?
10 comments:
Mmm... a debate we've been discussing a lot lately, actually!
So basically my mom did NOT change her last name, and I actually have four names, but two are middle names. It was fine for us, a tiny bit confusing that my mom has a different name than her kids, but no biggie. (Better than what they wanted to do originally which was name the boys with my dad's name and the girls with my mom's name... silly hippies! They actually had my sister with my mom's last name and my brother with my dad's last name all the way until she was in kindergarten and they legally changed her name.)
Anyway I want to take my husbands name. There's definitely a part of me that is too women-powered and independent to give into this tradition, but what the heck... if you believe in marriage then you may as well change your name, right? I don't know, I don't really have a reason why I want to change, I just do. It might matter that I don't love my last name and that it was changed when my family came to America, so it's really only a three generation name that isn't really my REAL family's name.
I still have the debate of whether I should drop both my mom AND dad's last name when I get married (my sister dropped both). PLUS I kinda like Tony's last name, if, you know... :)
Anyway I'm curious to know what you decide.
there's nothing wrong with being crazy-feminist. :) (as all it really means is "crazy-equality".)
i would say to do whatever makes you feel comfortable, not what you feel forced to do, one way, or another. having an understanding of why you're doing it is important, too.
i won't be changing my last name, whatever happens, even though i do know that it is more difficult decision. for me, it's about where we are socially, right now. for me, it's important to be one of the people that does keep their last name so that it becomes just a little more common, a little more of a reaonsable choice for others.
for me, it's about choice. and, as part of that, i would love to see a day when men feel able to choose to change their last name, as well.
I personally want to change my name. I like the tradition of it, and the fact that it unifies the family, and the fact that it eliminates confusion. Then again, I've no idea what I'll actually decide to do when/if that day ever comes for me... lol
One thing I do want to say, though, is that I really, really don't think it's anti-feminist for a woman to change her name to her husband's when she marries him, or that it in any way reduces her own independence, sense of self, etc. A name doesn't impart any kind of 'ownership' or take away any freedom unless the individual wants it to.
The bottom line is, it's your choice. You should do what you think is best. :) It seems to me there's no right or wrong answer. It's a personal decision, with no political bearing/weight besides what we put on it ourselves. [/jmho]
It is propper when two people become married you change your last name to the guys. Hyphenating you lastname people do if you been married several times and its quick and easy when you retun to your orignal lastname. Again not propper and sounds like the marriage will be short term, I recently married my self, first time, been with her fo 6 years, lived toether 3, she just went through the entire name change process..WOW who woud of thought how easy getting it changed is. So personaly, I would change your lastname to the guys beause its propper and shows you love you husband enough to change who you are for him.
Scott
Oh I forgot to add, the dean at my high school changed his name to his wife's name when he married. We always thought it was because his last name was something like Weinerman (or something) and his wife's was more normal, but who knows why... :)
Another thing to think about if you hyphenate your name- what if you have a daughter who then gets married- what is she going to do with her last name? She can't very well DOUBLE hyphenate her name, right?
Tagging on with the comment above, your children's last name would be "Warburton-Gividen" or "Gividen-Warburton," which, as a Gividen, I can guarantee they'll have problems with teachers pronouncing EVERY syllable of that name. Then, when your kids get married, to a "Fernuik-Johorgson," and your Grandchildren are named "Warburton-Gividen-Fernuik-Johorgson," they will want to disown everyone involved in that tragedy. Soon, great-grand-children are changing their last names to symbols just to simplify things and look like crazies.
Just a thought.
I agree with you Bryan. If I could only get Dan to take my last name we would forgo this whole hyphenating problem and our kid's teachers would be able to pronounce their last name ;)
Thanks for making me laugh!
Honestly, I never thought about keeping mine. I have always just assumed that I would change it and take my husband's. But now, as my own wedding day quickly approaches, it does make me stop and think. In elementary/middle school, I never really liked my last name - Lebsack. I was called lunch sack, Loveshack (that was ok) but the worst - nut sack. But then in high school, I was called by my last name alone very frequently (thanks to lacrosse) and I have come to love it. Many people now only refer to me by my last name.
So now I am going to miss it immensely. But I am gaining a just as unique last name - TenEyck. And I think that I am not really going to lose my family's name. Those who have called me "Lebsack" for years now will continue to do so even after I am no longer one...
Verdict: I will soon be Stephanie TenEyck.
i'd say keep it! i'll most likely be keeping mine (i doubt i'll find anyone with as cool of a last name as tinkler.)
but, then again, just do whatever you feel comfortable with. i've had friends who have changed their names and those who haven't. i think it's perfectly acceptable either way.
BUT, before you change your name. i would recommend checking to see if there is an email address available with your new name. no reason to bother if you're going to be stuck with an email address that has extra numbers or initials in it!
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